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My Converion Story: Part Two

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MY CONVERSION STORY: PART TWO





"Dear children! I call you to decide completely for God. I beseech you, dear children, to surrender yourselves completely and you shall be able to live everything I am telling you. It shall not be difficult for you to surrender yourselves completely to God. Thank you for having responded to my call."
Our Lady's Medjugorje Message, January 2, 1986


The following morning I awoke sitting in a chair in our living room with this precious Medjugorje Rosary in my hand.. What I've not yet mentioned also was that about a year or so prior to this powerful moment of conversion in my life, Saul learning to become like Paul, our land lady Florence who also became a friend, and very much like a mother to Elizabeth and & I, had made a pilgrimage to Medjugorje.. And while she was there she prayed for our family..

Now how many of you were heeding Our Lady's call to prayer and praying for conversions let's say about 5 years ago? You were praying for me! Did you know that! Thank you my friends.. This wrenched waste of a sinner that I was standing on the footsteps of hell! Well, now of course you did not know who I was, but you were certainly praying for me... and as a result, I am here today giving my own conversion testimony.. Pretty awesome stuff huh!! :D

That was the biggest wake-up call for me! The evening before, as I read Our Lady's messages, and truth began to work inside of my heart, a truth that was eager to set me free if I should decide to heed this truth, was that it had suddenly occurred to me right there in that moment, that if I was to let's say, walk outside my door and be struck down by a car and killed, or had taken a sudden massive heart attack, I faced Hell.. Yes, Hell!! There was no debating this reality.. I was in deep deep mortal sin and I suddenly realized it..

The Catechism states; 1033 We cannot be united with God unless we freely choose to love him. But we cannot love God if we sin gravely against him, against our neighbor or against ourselves: "He who does not love remains in death. Anyone who hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life abiding in him."610 Our Lord warns us that we shall be separated from him if we fail to meet the serious needs of the poor and the little ones who are his brethren.611 To die in mortal sin without repenting and accepting God's merciful love means remaining separated from him for ever by our own free choice. This state of definitive self- exclusion from communion with God and the blessed is called "hell."

Sounds like a perfect opportunity for despair does it not? This is exactly where I was at in my life prior to this moment of illumination of conscience.. But that's the miraculous beauty of it all! Was that in a great moment of true illumination of conscience, as I was shown all my sinfulness, all my faults, all that I had done horrible to others, all the times I rejected Christ by rejecting others he put in my life, all the times I spit in Christ's face by spitting in the face of others, instead of severe chastisement, agonizing admonishment and punishment, instead, Jesus stood before me as the Risen Christ arms outstretched saying, "I am here... your burden is heavy and My yoke is light.. struggle no more my child.. instead, come, follow me, and I will give you rest.. Instead of despair, I found consolation and love..

As painful as it is to admit, I treated people really horrible... But when it comes to painfully sharing my past, I don't mind sharing about myself for one reason and one reason only.. Maybe my sharing will help someone else out there one day who maybe needs to hear it because they are going through something similar.. I was very selfish in nature.. If there was nothing in it for me I was indifferent towards others.. I was great at being a taker, not so great at giving of myself.. especially unconditionally, no strings attached.. My wife and children suffered the most through all of this... They often bore the brunt of it..

What does it mean to be evil? To be of this world? For that matter, what does it mean to be satanic? Well, Jesus tells us that the greatest Commandment is to Love God with all our heart & all our mind.. The second of these two which in essence really goes hand in hand together is, to love our neighbor.. So, it only makes perfect sense that to be evil, to be satanic means to serve self... the direct opposite of loving God and loving others.. Without delving into the garbage of satanism, I will note that the opening verse of the satanic bible reads, "Do what thou whilst and worry not of the consequences.." Not that I have read it.. I have no interest in doing so nor do I encourage anyone else to.. all of us ought really just stay completely away from this stuff! However, this is something I was made aware of some years ago in doing research for my book..

So if this is true satanism, then I must admit looking back in hindsight prior to the start of my conversion and realize how close I was to going straight to Hell had I suddenly died at any given time during all those years away from the Church.. It's just a fact.. an extremely frightening one at that!! But then, see, that's why God is so merciful! He is not about fear.. And He is not solely about justice but with complete fullness of mercy.. And on that powerful day of conversion I experienced that ultimate powerful mercy first hand.. I deserved Hell! No question about it!! Yet here was Jesus saying, "But no, I don't want you in Hell my friend.. I want you in heaven with Me.. Please, please follow Me..."

My Conversion Story: Part One

Our Lady of Fatima
with the three shepherd
children, Lucia,
Jacinta, and Francesco..



MY CONVERSION STORY: PART ONE

"DEAR CHILDREN.. I LOVE YOU.."


"Dear children! I have told you already that I have chosen you in a special way, just the way you are. I, the Mother, love you all. And in any moment that is difficult for you, do not be afraid! Because I love you even then when you are far from me and my Son. Please, do not let my heart weep with tears of blood because of the souls who are lost in sin. Therefore, dear children, pray, pray, pray! Thank you for having responded to my call."
Our Lady's Medjugorje Message, May 24, 1984

In the spring of 2004, I had been away from the Church for nearly 10 years.. By this time, like many in society today, I had grown accustomed to living life on my terms trying to reach that ultimate sense of success.. A nice home, a new car, a good paying job, lot's of money in the bank, the 'perfect' wife, perfect kids, a well groomed lawn, a workshop in the garage, and a trip to Hawaii of course would top the cake just perfect I thought.. Of course, I did not have all these things but these were my goals in life.. What I did have was a lack of employment, a marriage that was falling apart, not even enough change in my pocket to grab coffee in the morning let alone support my wife and children.. we were on the verge of being evicted, and I carried an extremely deep sense of feeling alone and abandoned to the world in my heart..

I had become an extremely worldly soul by this time.. I lived for 'self'... For years an alcoholic and drug user, I had quit drinking years earlier, however still, I had fallen into many other worldly vises.. I practically worshiped rock music, idolizing bands like Zeppelin, Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, Ozzy Osbourne, Iron Maiden, Metallica, and the very worst of the worst in what is often deemed devil worshipping music.. Tuesday evening I would rush home, "everyone get out of my way! The Osbourne's are on T.V.!!" It was the highlight of my week..

Then, one spring evening, shortly after my wife and kids were asleep in bed, I stood on the back porch of our little two bedroom bungalow just staring up towards the heavens pondering the outcome so far of my horrible life.. My life was falling apart and it was really beginning to hit me hard.. I couldn't cope anymore.. My marriage was in great peril.. and I just couldn't make any real sense of it all.. That tends to happen when we refuse to look at ourselves.. How could everything turn out this way? I'm a good person, ain't I?.. But what a mess my life had become.. I was on the verge of suicide, the only thing holding me back was the horrible thought of what might lie on the 'other side'... "Lord, if You exist then You better step in, cause I can't take it anymore!" I cried..

The following day, I was out in the early afternoon doing some yard work.. a man named Chris, a mutual friend I knew through working in construction pulled up into our driveway.. he had a small plaster repair for a customer of his for me to take a look at if I was interested.. He told me all about the little job and gave me the customer's phone number, one conversation lead to the next and soon we were onto other topics, including the 'times' we are living in.. Until this moment I was not aware that Chris was Catholic.. We had never discussed religion or faith before.. Yet, he seemed so comfortable to just open up and share his faith.. and despite my being away from the Church for so long I did not feel threatened in any way as I generally would whenever someone began talking religion..

Chris wasn't talking religion though.. he was sharing a message of truth.. That Our Lady was coming in these times to call Her children back to God.. That our beloved Holy Father Pope John Paul II was chosen directly by Our Lady to help Her achieve this goal, and that Jesus was standing there ready to forgive and welcome God's children back into His Heart like the prodigal son of Scripture.. I listened.. A tad skeptical but I listened.. After about an hour and a half Chris needed to get going, but before he pulled out of the driveway he handed me a book.. This book contained messages from Our Lady to a Roman Catholic priest named Fr. Stefano Gobbi...

Now whether or not these messages to Fr. Gobbi prove to be legit in the end did not matter .. What mattered was what happened deep within my heart as I sat down that evening and began to read them.. Elizabeth and the kids were already in bed and I sat there with this book on my lap as it seemed to call out to me to open it up and read it.. So I did.. And within minutes it was as if Our Lady herself was speaking directly to me.. I could even hear the words I was reading in the tone of a gentle woman's voice calling out to me.. "Listen my dear child, I love you so much.." and the more I read the more the tears began to flow..

By about the third message I read I was overwhelmed with an onslaught of emotions! Sadness and regret.. remorse.. I could suddenly see every little sin I ever committed.. I could see everything I was doing wrong that lead up to where I was in my life at that moment.. but despair?? Nope! Not at all! That's the whole miracle of it all.. Because, at the same time I felt loved.. complete utter love! "You're going to be okay my child.. just take my hand and I will lead you to salvation.. to my Son Jesus who desires to forgive you and welcome you back into a life you were meant to live.." I jumped out of my seat and began scouring the house for a Rosary.. I just had to pray!!! I felt so desperate to pray for forgiveness.. to start making things right! Right with God.. right with others!

I searched and I searched.. "Darn!" I thought.. "How come every time I clean this house I stumble across so many Rosaries! Gosh, she has them everywhere!" (Actual words I used omitted) I thought.. referring to my wife's small collection of Rosaries over the years.. "Yet now I need one and can't find one!" ::) After about a 20 minute search finally, alas! Amidst junk in a junk drawer I found a Rosary! And not just a Rosary, but a very special Rosary that had a prophesy attached to it.. You see, some years earlier, just before I fell away from the Church I had been on a weekend Catholic men's retreat.. and a very quiet man who hardly said a word the entire retreat came up to me along the path the last hour before everyone was to leave for home and handed me this beautiful cherry wood Rosary with the word 'MEDJUGORJE' inscribed on the Crucifix.. I remembered within an instant as I now stood there desperate to pray with this same Rosary in my hands.. He had placed it in my hands, looked me in the eyes and said, "One day you are going to need this Rosary.. Please remember me when you pray with it." I thought, wow! How prophetic is that! And I did remember.. as bad as I am with names, I remebered his name and offered prayers on the spot for John.. he shared the same name as mine..

So here I was, the very first time in almost a decade holding a precious Rosary in my hands.. It had been 10 years since I prayed.. 10 years since my last confession.. 10 years since I went to Church.. at least aside from Weddings, Baptisms, and funerals where all i got out of it was sitting there staring at the ceiling admiring the architecture.. I began to pray the Rosary.. very rusty though, I even couldn't remember all the words to the Hail Mary.. and certainly couldn't remember to say the Fatima prayer after each decade, "O my Jesus, forgive us our sins.. save us from the fires of hell.. Lead all souls to heaven, especially those in most need of your mercy." Not even sure if I had known this prayer prior to that night..

Suddenly, I NEEDED to do all of this! To begin praying.. to go back to Church and to confession.. to have Jesus back into my life.. And the most amazing of all the possible graces in all of this was that I WANTED to do all of this! So I knew what I had to do and couldn't wait until tomorrow to go do it! I fell asleep with that Rosary in my hands.. By the way, that was May 13, 2004... Feast of the first Fatima Apparition..